"Helloo?" mom answers the telephone, her voice full of sleep.
"Hi, mom. I just got your message from last night. Everything okay?" I ask, a little concerned by the tone of her voice in the message.
"Oh!," she says, suddenly wide awake. "I was just calling to tell you that I'm a movie star."



So, yeah...Apparently, my mom is in a straight-to-DVD movie wearing nothing more than a bathing suit.

Well, okay. That's a bit of a lie. She's wearing a bathing suit and a sash that says, "Miss Mannford." See, in 1967, my mom was a contestant for the title of Miss Keystone Lake; the winner (who was not my mother) would go on to compete in the title for Miss Oklahoma. This was before the establishment of the Miss Striped Bass Pageant (also known as the "Miss Striper City" Pageant), as part of the Mannford Striped Bass Festival; Mannford, Oklahoma being the Striped Bass capital of Oklahoma, or, depending upon which of the 3,200 locals you ask, the U.S., and even the world.

You may be asking yourself, "Why should I give a crap about your mom being in a beauty pageant 40+ years ago? And what exactly does that have to do with her being a movie star? Miss Striped Bass whaaa?!" Well, you probably shouldn't give a crap, but I think it's kinda cool, if not really disturbingly funny (read on). And as far as the 'movie star' part goes, this is, as Paul Harvey says, the rest of the story:

Ben and I spent this past Christmas at mom and John's new pad in Tulsa, which is another story in itself (They are all so crazy). A few days before Christmas Eve, Ben, mom, and I were out doing some last minute shopping, but mom ended up having to take grandma to the urgent care center for [unknown old person's ailment]. So, she put us in charge of procuring a couple of DVDs from Steve's Sundry, namely Fantastic Tulsa Films: Volume 1 and 2, for my step-dad's stocking.

Fast forward to Monday night.

Mom and John had finally gotten around to watching Volume 1 on Sunday, and were settling in to watch Volume 2. In one of the opening scenes, they saw video footage of this:



My mom, Miss Mannford, is the short one on the far right. The disturbingly funny part is not her hair, or the chick with the glasses on the far left, or the fact that there are 7 teenage girls dressed in matching bathing suits on a boat roaming the waters of Lake Keystone, but the fact that my mom was about 6 to 8 weeks pregnant with my older sister at the time of pageantry (if I'm not mistaken about the dates of the pageant). Yeah...as Andrew would say, "it's funny 'cause it's true."

When I asked her about the timeline of events and told her that I'd been doing some math, and that if the pageant was when I thought it was, she was already pregnant, she was like, "well, let's see...I got pregnant in, like, April, and the pageant was in May or June...so, yeah. Heehee. I guess I was, but just barely." Barely still counts in the Pregnant Contest, I'm pretty sure, ma. So, we had a good chuckle about that, and she noted that if pageant officials had found out she was pregnant, they would have stripped her of her crown, but even if they did, there was no other girl to give it to, as she had been the only contestant. So, she won her Miss Mannford title much in the same way I won that first student council seat my freshman year of high school...yeah, the similarities of mine and my mother's high school experiences really are striking, no? She: cheerleader, getting pregnant and eloping sans parental consent at 16, having a Happy 17th Birthday baby; Me: student council, SADD president, National Honor Society. Yeah. We were practically the same girl.

Anyhoo, mom couldn't be more excited that she's "in a movie," and didn't even mention (or remember, before our conversation) that she was knocked up at the time. She sent the above picture (which is found on the "Fantastic Tulsa Films: Volume 2" website) to everyone in her address book. It's so cute. She's even promised to bring the DVD to Vegas next week so that Ben and I can see it (this was the option she gave after I refused to let her buy us a copy of the DVD just so we could see her). I guess we can throw her a bone and pause the Incredible, Fantasmagorical 30th Birthday Trip to Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada In Which We Dine At Fancy Restaurants of Famous Television Chef Stars, Work Off Fancy Meals At MGM Grand's Gym, Gamble Away Our Retirement Money, Possibly Sit Next To Vince Vaughn At a Blackjack Table, and Spit On Celine Dion^TM to celebrate my mother's 30 seconds of fame.

I think the theme of the trip should be '30' (30 drinks, 30 minutes of gambling and losing before we give up, $30 per person spent on gambling, 30 pictures of tourists doing tacky things, 30 things that can be seen on CSI, etc.,) unlike my last trip to Vegas (Spring Break 2000!!), when the primary goal was to get and stay drunk for 72 hours. My goal this time around, now that I'm 8 years older and a tiny bit wiser, is to NOT be drunk the entire time I'm there, because in hindsight, that was nooooo fun. Well, parts of it were awesome, but boarding a plane still drunk, sitting on a tarmac for four agonizing hours in 100+ degree heat, hungover with the most raging case of heartburn ever...yeah, not so much with The Fun. The only downside I see to the trip is not having friends around next Friday; but our advance planning skills and tendency to decide to do things like take spur-of-the-moment trips being what they are, things just didn't really work out. I guess I will settle for having a fake birthday in Atlanta when we get back, even if it only consists of dinner out somewhere and playing some Rock Band. :)

Seriously? I'm turning 30 one week from today? That's not even right. 2007 went by so quickly; my next post will probably be something like, "OMG, I'm turning 35 in a week!! How did this happen?!?!" It is official, though. I'm getting old. Today I got so irritated with myself because I forgot to order my firming eye cream from Origins when I made one of our twice-monthly orders for things last week. When the box came today and I realized I'd forgotten to get it, I was like, "what am I going to do if I run out before it's gets here?!?! YOUTHTOPIA! I need YOU(th)!!!" Yeah, I even thought the "(th)" part.

Anyhoo. Christmas was a blast, but we didn't get any friend-time because grandma was acting as Monopolizer of Time, as per usual, and we all got sick at some point. But it was a decent trip, nonetheless. Mom's choices in guest bedroom furniture leave a lot to be desired, but we got to see snow, we got to cook a Christmas Fiesta (El Dinner-o), and we got lots of cool stuff. I got a new iPod nano, Nike+ accessories, lots of cool books and movies, a Paella pan (yummy), and an 8-bottle wine fridge that is broken and doesn't really fit anywhere in our house. But hey, it's the thought that counts.

Can I just say that Nike+ has changed my life? I know, I know. Our friend Jon Acuff, God-writer extraordinnaire would disagree and say something smart and honest like, "A brand new pair of Nike shoes will not make you a faster runner," but I disagree. Well, maybe I agree about the shoes, because shoes are just shoes (depending on the shoes). If one had crappy shoes before and bought a new pair of shoes that fit well, regardless of the brand, those new shoes would probably allow that person to run farther, and perhaps a little faster, than the crappy shoes, without his or her feet feeling like hell. But I digress. Nike+ itself won't make you a better runner, but it will make you want to work on becoming a runner, or a better runner, if you're already into running. It is the most wonderful thing ever created for people like me: people who hate to exercise for whatever reason, but who love listening to music and really need to get in shape.

I don't know what it is about the thing, but ever since Ben and I started running together at the beginning of the month, I have loved every minute of it. Yes, even the minutes and hours spent in excruciating pain thanks to shin splints. I especially love it when people like Tiger Woods congratulate me on my fastest pace to date, and I love that I can track how many miles I've run in 'x' amount of time, or how many calories I burned last week, or last month. I love that Ben and I (and anyone else who has one) can make a competition out of getting in shape, and not lie about what kind of work we've done. I love that I look forward to exercise again, which I don't think I'd do if I didn't have this tool to use. It sounds so shallow and consumerist of me, but it is the most fabulous thing I have ever received. I love running. Love it!

Take it from someone who has gone from hating running (stab, stab!) to loving it (smooch, smooch!) and looking forward to exercise in general in the span of 3 weeks: Nike+ is awesome. No, it's more than awesome. It is the best thing ever. Go out and buy one. If you don't have a nano, buy one of those too, and go for a jog or three (you don't get congratulated until after you've beat a previously-recorded time or distance). And then tell me I'm just a mindless consumer who is blindly allowing big corporations to tell me what to like and buy, and tell me I'm full of crap for loving it. I probably won't listen to you, but that's okay. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, even if it's wrong. I'll tell you that, and then run away after selecting "Basic Workout". Now that my Shin Braces of Doom and Ice & Compression Braces of Doooom have finally been delivered, chances are you might not be able to catch me.